Too Familiar
by ChameleonCircuit
Summary: When Rafal Barba is faced with a case that hits far too close for comfort, how does he (and his anxiety) deal with it? Set during and after the events of S18E18 in an attempt to explain why it was so awful and why Barba seemed so out of character.


A/N:Fair warning, Barba is kinda out of character here. My intention was to show the panic he feels inside, but on the surface, he (mostly) is holding it together, so he'd still mostly look and act like his usual self, except for the moments where he slips? I guess? I used a lot of the things I feel when I experience anxiety, and lately I haven't had a day where I've not woken up with my stomach fluttering uncomfortably, so, yeah... This fic really got away from me.

All bolded dialogues are directly from the episode.

* * *

" **The more he kept talking, the more I felt myself drifting away and… It felt good."**

No. It sounded far too familiar.

Rafael Barba felt his chest tighten slightly, his mind connecting the dots. She was hypnotised. Everything she described sounded like hypnotism. He knew why her case never went anywhere and he knew this case wouldn't either. Was it even worth saying anything?

" **I was limp. I had no control. Then he pushed up my skirt and he raped me. I wanted him to stop, but I felt so out of it. I was helpless."**

Rafael heard her voice break in the video and his stomach clenched in sympathy, his heart hammering wildly in his chest. He could hear the voices of the detectives around him, but they sounded so far away.

" **She was tested for drugs and alcohol and she was totally clean, just like Abbey", Carisi informed.**

" **Maybe he put something undetectable in the water", Fin suggested.**

" **I think he slipped something undetectable in his words."**

The words had left Rafael's mouth before he'd even been consciously aware of them. He could feel disbelief radiating around the small space. He desperately wanted to leave the room, but he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. He sounded so calm, which just made his heart beat faster. He couldn't quite believe the calm and composed man speaking was him, but he was grateful for his years of experience in not letting anyone see the scrambling beneath the surface when things turned south in a courtroom.

His legs felt like jelly and he could feel the weakness spreading to his arms, hands trembling slightly as he stood. His stomach was swooping and he felt briefly faint for a moment.

" **First, we have to prove that Trask knowingly used hypnosis to rape Abbey."**

His throat was so dry and he desperately hoped no one noticed the slight rasp his voice had taken on. He needed to leave the room, but he couldn't make himself move. He had to fight for this. He had to make sure they were going to pursue this.

" **Which means we need evidence that Trask even knows how to hypnotise,"** Rollins sounded doubtful, but the fact that she was even suggesting it gave him hope.

" **Well he must have learned how to do it somewhere," said Sonny,** sounding resigned.

" **Yeah, so start digging."**

The finality in Liv's voice shouldn't have shocked him, but it did. And that was all the dismissal he needed.

He could feel the perspiration forming on his back, sending shivers down his spine that he tried desperately to suppress as he picked up his coat. His hands were shaking so much and his coat felt ridiculously heavy. The room seemed too warm, and the loss of conversation meant his resolve was slowly slipping. It was always easier to remain composed when he was talking. Talking gave him something to hold on to.

Rafael could see Liv looking at him, a sort of confused concern making its way onto her features. He forced himself to smile at her and made his way out of the room and down the hall to the lift, reminding himself to breathe the whole way. Once in the confines of the lift, he allowed himself to lean against the wall, breathing deep, deliberate breaths, and by the time he'd reached the ground floor he'd managed to stop shaking.

* * *

Rafael Barba ran a hand through his hair, flipping to the previous page of his case notes. He had gone three pages before realising he had taken absolutely nothing in. The air in his office felt too thick and the fluttering in his stomach that had seemed almost non-stop since he landed this case felt particularly vicious today.

He poured himself a scotch and rubbed his hand over his face, sitting back in his chair.

 _Get a grip_ , he told himself. _You've been dealing with anxiety your whole life. You learned how to use it in your favour, how to talk your way out of any situation, how to let your anxiety push you forward instead of hold you back. Don't let it start holding you back now._

The knock on the glass of his office door made him jump, and he attempted to school his features as Liv entered the room.

"You're not answering your phone," she said simply, sitting down in front of him.

"Hello to you too," he replied, smirking slightly at her as he relaxed back into his chair.

"Is there a reason you're avoiding my calls? We haven't seen you in weeks."

"I've just been busy, Liv. There's a lot to go over for this one. I've got to get it right."

"Which is why I've been trying to call you."

He noticed her eyes flit to the scotch he'd half drank, but he pretended not to notice the hint of concern in her eyes as she looked back to him. His arms crossed his chest defensively and he felt his body tense, but he kept the amused smile on his face, his eyes almost daring her to mention it. After a small pause, she continued.

"Abby's ready to meet with you. We've gathered all the information we can, and we want you to start speaking with her yourself. Prep her for trial. Which is something you normally barge in and do yourself," her voice had taken on a gentler tone. "Is everything alright?"

"I don't really need to have any in-depth discussions with her. I have her written statement along with the video of his other victim. Which I won't be able to use in court, by the way." He saw her open her mouth in protest, but he cut her off. "I will try. But I already know I can't use it."

"Okay. But I still think you should meet with with her," Liv replied softly.

"I'll prep her for trial in the days leading up. It shouldn't take long."

He could read the confusion on her face. He could see the questions forming. He felt his stomach flip and his fingers itched to reach for his abandoned glass.

"What are you trying to avoid, Rafael?"

She had her gentle interrogation voice on - the one he knew she used when dealing with silent victims as opposed to perps - and it made his heartbeat quicken.

"Nothing. If it makes you feel better, I can meet with her tomorrow. Now, if that was all, I have a lot of work to do," he said rather bluntly, indicated to the papers in front of him.

A look of hurt flashed in her eyes for a moment before they softened, and she nodded, rising from the chair. Rafael cursed himself inwardly for dismissing her so coldly.

"Liv," he whispered as she reached the door.

Olivia turned and looked at him, and he smiled at her, pouring every inch of affection he had for her into the gesture. When she smiled back, he thought, just briefly, that everything might be okay.

* * *

Rafael couldn't really put his finger on why he had been avoiding meeting Abby. He'd read her report so many times he'd memorised it word for word. Yet as the lift opened, he couldn't bring himself to step out. He just stood, frozen, his palms sweating.

"Counsellor!" He heard just as the lift was about to close, but a hand stopped it.

"Carisi. Hi."

Rafael was aware he looked flustered as he forced himself to step out of the lift, stumbling slightly. His legs had turned to jelly and he felt vaguely sick, but he gave Carisi his usual sideways smirk, hoping he wouldn't notice.

"You okay?" Carisi replied, hand gripping his upper arm on reflex to steady him.

"I'm fine."

Carisi still had that concerned look on his face, so Barba softened his smile.

"I'm fine, Carisi."

Carisi nodded, leading Rafael into the squad room, hand still firmly on his shoulder the entire time. Rafael would be lying to himself if he said it wasn't vaguely comforting. The contact was keeping him grounded.

"Rafael," Liv started, frowning slightly when she noticed Carisi's hand on Rafael's shoulder. "Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine."

His voice sounded small and he felt himself lean slightly into Carisi's grip for a moment before taking a deep breath and stepping forward. Carisi's hand followed him for a second before dropping, concern still etched into his confused frown.

"Let's get this over with, then."

He hadn't meant for the words to sound so harsh. It felt like his control was slipping away more and more every day, and today was a very bad day. He ran a hand over his face and nodded for her to lead the way, following her into the interview room.

"Abby, this is ADA Rafael Barba. He'll go through your statement with you and start discussing trial dates and preparation. But I'll be right here with you, okay?"

Abby nodded and smiled at Rafael. He could see the fear and hope in her eyes and he felt a wave of nausea come over him at the thought of having to do this.

"We'll…" his voice was barely there. He cleared his throat and started again. "We'll start by going over your statement. I need you to…" he cleared his throat once more. "I need you to tell me everything that happened to you that night."

As Abby recounted her story to him, her voice breaking with emotion, Rafael wished he could be anywhere but there. He felt genuinely ill and he could feel a cold sweat forming. He swallowed hard and tried to focus, but the room was swimming.

He'd forgotten just how bad his anxiety could be - just how bad _this_ made his anxiety. He'd been a wreck towards the end of law school - after _**it**_ happened - and the only reason he was top of his class was because his studies became his life. He supposed that, really, despite appearances to others and even himself, that the only reason he'd continued to survive was because his job was his life.

He got into Special Victims because of what happened to him, and he was surprised when, after only two cases, his skin stopped crawling and he was able to handle them like any other case. He hated that this was different. He hated how close to home this was.

"Rafael?"

He looked to Olivia and saw concern etched into her features. _How many times has she tried to get my attention?_ he wondered.

"Hey. There you are." Her voice was so gentle, like she was worried he might break. "Let's step out for a moment."

He took a deep breath in, then back out, before forcing himself to stand. She looked like she was about to reach for him for a moment, but she opened the door instead, and he followed her out and into her own office.

"Liv…" He started quietly, expecting her to interrupt. When she didn't, he took a small step back from her.

"You don't have to tell me what's going on, but you do have to say something if you're not up to trying this case. No one will think less of you if-"

"Liv, I'm fine. I just…" He faltered, unable to meet her eyes, taking another step back.

He felt caged in, and he honestly thought he might be sick right there in front of her if he didn't get out soon.

"Actually, I'm just not feeling well today. I thought I'd be fine, but clearly not."

Olivia stepped towards him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, and without meaning to, he felt himself flinch away from her touch.

"Tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow. Bring Abby to the courtroom at 10am and I'll begin trial prep with her."

"Rafael, talk to me."

He forced himself to look at her, to smile at her, to relax enough to convince her he was fine.

"I'll call you after I've slept this off," he said, then left before she could say anything else.

Once he was back in the lift, all traces of nausea had left him and he felt almost fine again, his body relaxing more and more as he reached ground floor.

* * *

"You were looking for an affair?" Rafael accused, fire in his eyes. He was in his element here, and the more he went over her testimony and cross-examined her, the easier it got to slip back into lawyer mode and ignore the slight trembling in his hands.

He softened his gaze when the look in Abby's eyes changed, her defences going up.

"No one will ever believe me. It looks like I wanted this," she whispered, tears filling her eyes.

"We're going to prove you didn't," he said softly. "But this will come up. You need to be prepared for it, and you need to answer openly and honestly."

She shook her head, looking down at her hands.

"How? How will we prove I didn't want this? I brought this on myself. I went there looking for something different and-"

"Don't," he cut her off sharply, causing her eyes to snap up to meet his. "Don't do that."

His voice shook slightly on the last word and he sighed, rubbing his eyes and leaning back against the desk behind him. He thought about dismissing her – it had been a long day for both of them, and he was definitely looking forward to a drink after this. But a small voice in his head reminded him she deserved better.

"Even if…" He started quietly, his eyes trained on a spot on the floor. "Even if you went there specifically for sex… You're the one who gets to decide who you do and don't have sex with. And once he hypnotised you, he took that away from you."

"But no one will believe me," she whispered.

He forced himself to look at her, even though he could feel the wetness in his eyes. She deserved his honesty and his support. He had to keep telling himself that. That was what gave him the strength to be here in the first place.

"I believe you."

* * *

Rafael felt Olivia step up behind him, but he didn't acknowledge her. They stood in silence for a while, him staring at the floor while she waited patiently behind him.

"This one hits a little close to home. I should have been honest about that," he said roughly.

She stepped into his line of vision then, and he rubbed his hands over his face a little harder than necessary before looking at her. He felt exhausted, and as she reached out to squeeze his hand he very nearly pulled her into a hug.

"Let's go get a drink," she said softly, and he nodded.

It had been a very long day.

* * *

" **All we have to do is prove that Trask hypnotised Abby, and that 'yes' will mean nothing."**

Barba looked at her, attempting a condescending smile, but he knew he didn't pull it off by the look on her face. He sighed heavily, dropping his head to stare at his own hands. He was so scared of losing this case – scared of what it would mean for him, for Abby, and for future victims like her. But if he could put Trask away, even for a few months, it had to be better than a jury acquitting him.

He knew Abby wanted to go ahead with the trial, and he felt partially responsible. He'd given her the courage to fight and her courage had given him the strength he needed to be able to stand in court with this case and not fall to pieces, but it was a very close thing.

"You owe it to her," Liv whispered.

"And if I lose?"

"You won't."

"Liv… Cases like this… They don't go well. They just don't. People are sceptical about hypnosis at the best of times, but to claim that she was hypnotised and therefore could not consent is just-"

"You're the one who put the pieces together."

"Because I know exactly how it feels," he said a little too loudly, looking at her with pleading eyes.

The sad, softened look on her face made him realise what he had just said. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again.

"Raf-"

"I'll tell them no," he said, standing before she could say any more.

* * *

" **On the charge of rape in the first degree, we find the defendant guilty."**

Rafael felt weak with relief, but he was entirely unprepared for the wave of emotions that came with it. He took deep, deliberate breaths, and sought Liv out in the crowd. He held her gaze for what felt like an eternity, letting it ground him, while he focussed on breathing. She was smiling at him, and he allowed a smile to creep onto his own features, forcing happiness to take over for a moment.

* * *

" **Who knows, maybe it'll all work out."**

" **Yeah. I hope so."**

Rafael was relieved. Relieved by the guilty verdict he felt sure he wasn't going to get, relieved he had handled the case well in the end. He really did hope it would work out for Abby, but he knew she had a long battle ahead of her, and not just with her partner. At least he had played a part in her healing in a way no one could have for him.

He felt Liv's hand on his shoulder and he met her eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but the lump in his throat prevented any sound from coming out. He covered her hand with his own before turning to walk down the hall.

"Rafael."

He swallowed hard, hesitating for a moment. He really wasn't ready for this. Not now. It felt like he'd been falling apart in front of her slowly for the entire duration of this case and he worried she'd think differently of him if she knew everything.

He knew she wouldn't think less of him - she was far too good for that. But he was terrified of being seen as a victim.

"Let me buy you a drink."

Rafael cleared his throat, not quite meeting her gaze.

"Thanks, Liv," he hated how raspy his voice sounded. "But I don't much feel like being in a rowdy room of people."

"Come have a drink at mine, then. We can grab take-out, I'll put Noah to bed, and then I'm all yours."

"Another time."

He met her eyes briefly and she smiled sadly at him. His stomach fluttered, and he turned, walking away.

* * *

Once in his office, Rafael poured himself a scotch, and, bringing the crystal decanter with him, plonked himself down on the leather couch in his office.

He downed the drink in one go and poured himself another, loosening his tie.

Four drinks later, the loneliness still hadn't abated. In fact, it was growing suffocating and he rather wished he'd taken Liv up on her offer. As much as he wanted to be alone, the thoughts in his head were too much right now. He felt so small and so afraid - everything he'd carefully learned to shed, like a second skin. He felt 22 again, and he absolutely hated it.

He had thought winning the case would make all of this easier. He'd hoped to find peace in a guilty verdict, allowing him to push out the overwhelming anxiety he had been feeling since he heard Trask's previous victims account of her rape. Instead, it seemed to have doubled in size, crowding him in and making him feel small and vulnerable.

His phone pinged and he turned it over, vaguely hoping it was Liv. Instead, it was an unknown number.

" _I hope your win today makes you feel better about our relationship all those years ago. But you're still wrong. I hope one day you can see that a person can't truly make you do something you do't want to do._

 _XXXX"_

He staggered up from the lounge, grabbing his coat as he hurried out the door and down the hall. He hailed a cab once he made it outside, spitting out Olivia's address without really thinking. His head was spinning, half from the alcohol and half from the lack of air in his lungs. He felt sick, fear, dread, doubt, all crowding in and growing in size, fighting away all sense of rationality.

"You alright back there?"

He realised he was sweating. Quite a lot. He loosened his tie a little more and ran his hand through his hair, causing it to stick up a little.

"Fine. Fine. Just drive."

The cab driver eyed him sceptically, but didn't push.

Before he knew it, Rafael was standing outside Olivia's apartment, hand already dropped to his side after knocking.

His panic doubled. He couldn't breathe.

 _What were you thinking coming here in this state? What were you thinking coming here at all? You need to go home, have a shower, and stop over-reacting. It was 19 years ago, for Christ sake, get a grip!_

Rafael turned, ready to make his way down the hall as Olivia opened the door. His breath was coming in short, sharp intakes as he held onto her door frame, vision narrowing slightly.

"Barba… Jesus, Rafael, what happened?"

He felt her take his arm and flinched violently away from her, his back hitting the wall across the hall. He ran a shaky hand over his face, willing himself to breathe normally, to compose himself and tell her it was a mistake. But he knew it was too late for that. He knew he must look a mess, and he was so mad at himself for not thinking this through first.

"Shit. Shit." He muttered under his breath, staring wide eyed at a spot on her doorframe. "Fuck."

"Rafael… Hey. Look at me."

Rafael didn't move his gaze from the one spot on the wall, using it as an anchor as he tried to breathe more evenly.

"I'm going to come and help you inside, okay? Just let me know if that's not okay."

He couldn't have said anything if he tried. He felt her come up beside him and slowly, gently, put one arm around his waist and the other on his shoulder, guiding his shivering form into her living room. She left him for a moment standing, staring at nothing, and when she returned she led him to the lounge and sat across from him, their knees almost touching. Her hand was still on his arm, her thumb rubbing gentle circles as she patiently waited for him to make the next move.

"Breathe with me," she whispered, shifting slightly closer to him.

Rafael listened to the sound of her deep, deliberate breaths, trying to match hers, focussing on the feel of her thumb through the fabric of his shirt. Eventually, his breathing evened out and his head felt less floaty.

"I thought it would go away if we won," he whispered, closing his eyes and allowing his body to relax into her lounge.

"It's never that easy," she replied sadly, her hand dropping to the lounge beside him.

He shook his head, laughing humourlessly, but the laugh caught in his throat and turned into more of a sob. He covered his face with one hand, and without thinking, his other hand reached for hers. He almost pulled away, but she gave his hand a squeeze and didn't let go. He felt exhausted, and he'd definitely drank too much too quickly. He felt nauseous, and his skin was crawling. He cleared his throat and gave her hand a squeeze before heaving himself off the lounge. His head span when he stood up and he nearly fell back down again, stomach swirling.

"Rafael…" Liv started, but Rafael ignored her as he unsteadily made his way to her bathroom just in time for his stomach to empty itself completely.

He really was a mess, and he wished, as he continued to dry-heave on her bathroom floor, that the tiles could swallow him up. He also wished he'd eaten more over the past few days so that his stomach wasn't left with the painful task of trying to heave nothing but anxiety.

Once he was sure his stomach had calmed down, he allowed himself to sit back against her bathtub. It was then that he noticed her standing in the doorway, a glass of water in hand and pity in her eyes.

"Please don't," he croaked, his voice raspy and weak.

"Don't what?" She softly questioned, sitting beside his shivering form and handing him the glass of water.

He took a tentative sip, but the relief on his throat was enough to make him drink half of it in one go. He fiddled with the glass in his hands, staring at its contents.

"Please don't pity me. I can't handle your pity."

"I don't pity you, Rafael. I feel for you, but I could never pity you. You don't always have to be infallible. You're allowed moments like these…"

"Not in front of people. Not in front of you," he whispered, a half moan, half sob escaping him.

He felt her arms gently snake around his body and he leant into the touch, too tired and too broken to object. And as she placed a gentle kiss to the top of his head, he felt the first tears fall as his body shook against her.

They sat there for a long time, Rafael allowing himself to cry for the first time in years, while Olivia murmured soothing words into his hair and held him tightly, like her life depended on it. And he was grateful she was there, despite how ashamed and embarrassed he felt that she was witnessing his breakdown.

"What happened?" She whispered a while after his breathing had returned to normal and his tears had stopped. "You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I won't be offended. But I'm here for you."

"I got a text."

He took his phone out of his pocket and showed her the text that had pushed him over the edge. He knew she wouldn't understand, but he needed a moment to decide what he was actually going to tell her.

Olivia sighed heavily and shifted so she was looking at him. He felt another pang of embarrassment, remembering how messy he must look, but her eyes were full of fire, not pity or sadness.

"You're not wrong. Rafael, I don't know exactly what this person did to you, but I'm a good enough detective to have worked out the basics. And you're not wrong at all. You didn't deserve what was done to you, and your win in court today proves that."

Rafael cleared his throat and looked back down at the ground.

"She was a professor at Harvard. She used to hold these parties and she'd hypnotise people, make them eat disgusting foods, behave embarrassingly, drink stupid amounts, take off their clothes… We all thought it was pretty funny. And then one party it was my turn. I saw it as a challenge – I didn't think it would work on me, you see. Cocky as always," he laughed humourlessly. "But it did. And in front of everyone… She…" He paused, clearing his throat again. "She had sex with me in front of all of my friends as well as countless strangers."

He forced himself to meet Liv's eyes, needing to see her reaction. To his relief, he didn't see anything but compassion and understanding. No judgement, no pity, no disbelief.

"She raped you, Rafael. It wasn't sex," she whispered.

Rafael nodded slightly, looking back down at the tiles.

"Well, men can't be raped by women, right?" He spat, a little more venom in his voice than he'd intended there to be. "Plus, she was hot. Everyone was jealous. Everyone seemed to think I was the luckiest guy. Some of them even hated me for it. And she thought we'd 'made a connection' that night.

"I reported it to the staff, but I knew better than to report it to the police. I'd been studying law long enough to know there was no way she would be convicted even if the police believed me to start with. And I desperately didn't want to have to go through telling countless people about what happened while they all looked at me, an awkward virgin, and then looked at her, a sexy young professor. I'd be ridiculed. But the school, despite not believing my rape claim, took the information of the parties and the affair very seriously, and so she was quietly dismissed, but they gave her a glowing recommendation."

They sat in silence for a moment after that before Liv stood up, extending her hand to Rafael. His legs still felt like jelly as he stood, but he felt lighter – like a weight had been lifted just a little bit.

"I'm sorry about what happened to you, Rafael. And I'm sorry it's resurfaced so strongly now."

They sat back down on the lounge and he sunk back into the cushions as her hand found his. She gave it a gentle squeeze, and he squeezed back.

"What were you like at school? Infuriating, I imagine?" Liv asked, her head resting gently on his shoulder.

He turned his head, smiling slightly into her hair, a warmth spreading from her into him. He knew what she was doing and he was grateful for it. He couldn't be alone right now, and she wasn't about to force him to be.

And so, they talked. Mostly about fond memories, though some darker topics came up. They talked for hours, gently pressed against each other on the lounge, slowly drifting to sleep as they spoke.

* * *

Rafael woke to the smell of coffee and the sound of a toaster popping somewhere. He rubbed at his eyes and breathed in deep. When he exhaled, he felt a slight flutter of anxiety in his stomach, but it was the smallest it had been in a very long time. And as Olivia handed him a mug of coffee and a plate of toast, he realised that, after all these years, this was his first true step towards healing.


End file.
